♪我的文字有些懒散♪ ♪-*My words are lazy♪
♪我的思维有些模糊♪ ♪My thoughts are hazy♪
♪但有件事我很确定♪ ♪But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪
♪所有人都要有个最好的朋友♪ ♪Everybody needs a best friend ♪
♪我很开心我是你的♪ ♪I'm happy I'm yours♪
本剧字幕由擦枪字幕组 原创翻译 OCR by China_sky
嘿 布莱尔 再次感谢你能来接我们 Hey, thanks again for picking us up, Blaire.
客气啥 你们最后看的是啥 Yeah, no problem. What'd you guys end up seeing?
《侏罗纪公园》 Jurassic Park. "
这简直就是我看过的 It's, like, the greatest movie
最酷的一部电影 I've ever fucking seen, like, ever.
是 斯皮尔伯格用真正的恐龙拍的 Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs.
行吧 我觉得并没有 Uh, yeah, I don't think so.
-真的有 -对 真的 绝对的 No, he did. No, he did. He totally did.
没有其它解释 There's no other explanation.
我敢保证他拍的不是真正的恐龙 I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs.
你这么说就有点无知了 布莱尔 Well, that's- that's a ignorant thing to say, Blaire,
你连电影还没看过呢 when you didn't see the movie.
对 他拍了《ET》还拍了《大白鲨》 Yeah, no, he made "ET" and he made"Jaws"
这部片子简直就是给他的回报 and this was his reward.
他真的跟真恐龙一起拍摄了 He got real dinosaurs to play with.
聚沙成塔嘛 It all adds up.
我对这部电影唯一的差评就是 My only criticism of the movie
谁会在车里放敞口的水杯呢 who has open cups of water in the car?
对 就特别奇怪 Oh yeah, that was weird.
就好像说 杯子要有盖防止水洒吗 Yeah, it's like, you want a lid for that water?
不用啊 没问题的 我不就是在丛林里开个车嘛 Nah, that's OK. I'm just riding in the jungle.
嘿 我们能在租录像带那停一下吗 Oh, hey can we stop by the video store?
我要租个片子 I want to rent a movie.
你刚看完一部片子啊 You just saw a movie.
是 我知道 现在我们对恐龙上瘾了 Yeah, I know. And now, we got dinosaur fever.
我们想多看点带恐龙的电影 We want to see more movies with dinosaurs.
行吧 但你得快点 我今晚还有事呢 Fine, but you got to be quick. I got plans tonight.
是吗 你有啥事啊 Oh, yeah? What- what do you got going on?
就有事呗 Just stuff.
大学那些事吗 Like college stuff?
对啊 Yes.
-罗马长袍主题派对吗 -不是 Toga party? No.
联谊会纳新活动周吗 Fucking rush week?
不是 No.
跟新来的联谊生厮混吗 Fucking around with the new pledges,
然后戴安搞的有点过火 but then Diane goes a little too far
发生了特别可怕的事 and something horrible happens
但你们想办法一起掩盖了真相 but then you all kind of work together to cover it up
然后第二天 and then the next day,
你们就像什么都没发生一样去上学 you just go to class like nothing happened
现在你们要被一个可怕的秘密 but now you're all bonded for life
束缚一辈子 by, like, a horrible secret,
本来一切都慢慢好起来了 and it seems like it's all going to be OK
可是瑞秋却有点摇摆不定 but then Rachel seems a little shaky
于是你就想她会不会惹出什么麻烦来 and you wonder if she's going to be a problem?
你特么这是说什么呢 What the fuck are you talking about?
就随便聊聊嘛 I'm just making conversation.
好了 给你5分钟 快点选好就出来 OK, you got five minutes. Hurry up and pick something.
-嘿 泰迪 -嗯 Hey, Teddy. - Yeah?
你看过小黄片儿吗 You ever seen a porno?
看过啊 我在好莱坞时看过可多 Yeah, I saw a lot of them when I was out in Hollywood.
它们真的像人们说的那么刺激吗 They as awesome as people say?
对 约翰尼 They are, Johnny.
什么样的 What are they like?
就是你打开电视 你摆好姿势 Well, you turn it on, you settle in,
把纸巾和乳液都准备好 you get your Kleenex and your lotion,
然后你 你就嗨起来了 and you- - you fucking go to town.
哇 Wow.
听起来可真刺激啊 Sounds amazing.
对 尤其是等你完事了 Yeah, especially afterward when it's over
你会想自己做过的事 and you think about what you did.
是吗 Really?
嗯 然后你把自己擦干净 Yeah, and you clean yourself up
但是片儿还继续放着就像背景音一样 but the porn's still going on in the background,
只不过现在声音好像大了一倍 but it seems twice as loud now.
即便你没有离开家 And even though you didn't leave the house,
你也知道自己会让一个女人做噩梦的 you know you've contributed to a woman's nightmare.
然后你用过的那只袜子 Oh, and you can't
就想着塞到脏衣筐的最里面去 shove that sock in the hamper deep enough.
每次我来到这 看到这两扇门 Man, every time I come in here and I see those doors,
都觉得好神秘啊 it's like it's so mysterious.
私人 专属的成人房间 The private, exclusive adults- only room.
约翰老爷 泰迪老爷 Master John, Master Ted.
很高兴你们能加入我们 I'm so delighted that you've joined us.
今晚我们要不要租点小黄片儿啊 Are we thinking of renting some pornography this evening?
的确有此打算 劳埃德 Indeed, we are, Lloyd.
真是极好极好的 Splendid, splendid.
我们有相当多的精品供你们选择 We have quite a fine selection for your perusal.
你有什么好推荐吗 Mm, well, what would you recommend?
要看你的口味了 先生 Your preference, sir.
你是喜欢掌控一切的 Would you like to feel in charge,
还是喜欢像个小宝贝 or like an itty, bitty baby?
我相信我应该喜欢感觉像个小宝贝 I do believe I would like to feel like a baby.
先生 没有人选过另外一种 No one has ever chosen the other one, sir.
我觉得也是如此 Yes, I would imagine not.
非常好 Very good, sir.
我去给你们拿乳液和手帕 马上回来 I'll be right back with your cream and kerchief.
你老婆还好吗 劳埃德 How's the wife, Lloyd?
先生 克拉拉上个月就过世了 Well, sir, I'm afraid that Clara passed away last month.
哦 劳埃德 真为你遗憾 Oh, Lloyd, we're so very sorry.
谢谢 先生 她勇敢的与病魔做了斗争 Thank you, sir She fought bravely,
但医生到最后也没什么能做的了 but there was nothing the doctors could do.
你儿子情况如何 And how is your son taking the loss?
自从她离世后我们就没说过话 先生 We haven't spoken since she passed away, sir.
恐怕杰里米为他母亲的死一直在责怪我吧 I'm afraid that Jeremy blames me for his mother's death.
太可怕了 How terrible.
谢天谢地我还有份工作 Thank heaven I have my work.
否则 我都不知道要如何生活下去 Elsewise, I'm not sure I could go on living myself.
好了 享受你们的小黄片儿吧 Well, enjoy your pornography, sir.
天 Jesus.
你的幻想中还包括那家伙失去了自己的老婆和家人吗 Your fantasy includes the guy losing his wife and family?
儿子没死啊 Well I mean, the son didn't die,
只是疏远了嘛 they're just estranged.
我只是觉得 I just feel like
你给他设计了那么多情节 我们就跑题了 by putting all that on him, it distracts from our story.
泰迪 你想进去吗 Teddy, you want to go in there?
后面的房间吗 In the back room?
对啊 Yeah.
对 你不觉得我该来个 Yeah, don't you think it's about time
租黄片的第一次吗 I rented my first porno?
我希望你已经完成了 Well, I hope you've gotten everything done
所有你需要完成的事情 that you need to get done ever.
为什么 Why?
到时你就知道了 走吧 Oh, you'll see. Come on, let's do it.
嘿 18岁以下不能去成人区 Hey! No one under 18 in the adult section!
没事约翰尼 我去给你租 It's all right, Johnny. I'll go and get it.
你没听见吗 You hear me?
我说了18岁以下不许进 I said no one under 18!
没事伙计 是我啊 It's all right, buddy. It's just me.
你是1985年成精的吧 到现在你多大 8岁吗 You came to life in 1985. That makes you what, eight?
伙计 不是这么算的好嘛 Dude, it's a little different.
不行 规矩就是规矩 No Rules are rules!
哇 这里选择这么多啊 Wow, what an amazing selection!
都好色情啊 These are all so erotic!
好了 如果你们 AlI right, if you guys are done
丢人丢够了 humiliating yourselves in public,
我们能走了吗 can we get out of here?
布莱尔 Uh, Blaire.
我不会给你们租黄片儿的 I'm not renting you porn.
别这样嘛 租一个嘛 Oh, come on, you gotta.
不可能 No, I don't
布莱尔 我都16了 Blaire, I'm already 16.
如果我是摩门教徒 我都当爷爷了 OK, if I was Mormon, I'd be a grandfather by now.
布莱尔 够姐妹儿 行不 就一次 Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once.
我基本上已经是个成年人了 I'm basically an adult already, OK?
我只是想看一次成人电影 I just want to watch an adult movie.
行吧 AlI right, fine.
-啥 -啥 What? - What?
我没时间在这跟你们讨论 I don't have time to stand here all day and argue.
好吧 你们去车里等着吧 OK, just go wait in the car.
-我勒个去 太特么酷了 -我的天 布莱尔 Holy shit. Fucking awesome! ·Oh, my God, Blaire!
-你简直太棒了 布莱尔 -非常感谢啊 You're fucking amazing, Blaire! - Wow, Thank you so much!
布莱尔 这也太棒了 Blaire, this is fucking awesome!
-太感谢了 -你简直是最棒的 Thank you so much! - Oh, you're the fucking best!
还有 你就选你觉得最恶心的 Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you,
估计就是我们最喜欢的了 that's probably what we're going to like.
我数到三 I'm going to count to three.
好吧 OK.
好了 你们享受电影吧 AlI right, you guys. Enjoy the movie.
我们会的 Oh, we will.
打开看时有点心理准备哈 Oh, and don't be thrown when you turn it on.
是黑白片 It's black and white.
-那更好 -终于 Even better. - Yeah, finally.
-我们可以讲述上一辈的故事 -对 超爱的 We're telling their stories. Yeah, love that.
代表性很重要 Representation matters.
很高兴听你们这么说 Glad to hear it.
-好吧 -开始了 OK. Here we go.
妈回来之前我们有至少一小时 We got at least an hour before Mom gets back.
好了 黄片时间到 AlI right, porno time!
哇 射400次啊 Whoa. "The 400 Blows. "
不管这家伙是谁 到最后还不精尽人亡了 Whoever this guy is, he's going to be a nub by the end of it.
法式小黄片 行吧 Ah, French fucking. All right.
虽然毛有点多 但也挺好 Little hairy, but Im on board.
听起来就应该是这个动静 That's what the fucking's going to sound like.
天 这特么都放多久了啊 Jesus, how the fuck long has this been going on?
你们喜欢这部电影吗 You guys enjoying the movie?
不 难看死了 No! It sucksl
这特么是黄片吗 How the fuck is this a porno?
我给你们租了部成人片 Well, I rented you guys an adult movie,
就是成人电影 as in a movie for adults.
你故意的 Oh, you suck.
不不 等会 他们提到了蛋蛋 No, no, but wait, they were talking about ball sacks.
巴尔扎克 Balzac.
对对 所以它们是在哪 Yeah, exactly. So where were they?
你是说你不喜欢这电影吗 Are saying you don't like the film?
不是不是 可整部电影里都没人干啊 No! No, there's no sex at all in this movie.
太无聊了 Just ennui.
我可是帮你借的 I did you a favor.
我们想看的是生殖器啊 No, we want to look at genitals.
相信我 那都是夸大其词 Trust me, it's overrated.
什么意思 你看过 Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn?
没 Uh, no.
但上学期我们学校 But a guy from my school did
有个男人拍了张老二的照片发给我 mail me a photo of his dick last semester.
还用的那种棕褐色调拍的 He even shot it in sepia tone.
所以看上去有怀旧感的那种 Wait, so it was, like, all old- timey?
咋的 就好像这老二是沙尘暴孤儿的吗 Like, "This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"?
你知道最搞笑的是什么吗 You want the kicker?
它看上去软不拉几的 It was flaccid.
等等 所以他都没硬起来吗 Wait, so he didn't even do the work?
没有 就用了个花哨的滤镜拍了个软老二 Nope. Just a flaccid dick with a fancy filter.
我想即便是最伟大的导演 Well, I guess even a great director
也没法挽救这种脚本吧 can't save a bad script.
总之 好好看电影吧 Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys.
很经典的 It's a classic.
去它的吧 Fuck this.
所有人 马蒂和我有消息要宣布 Everyone, Matty and I have some news.
天 终于 Oh, man. It finally happened.
听着 我知道做出这种决定很不容易 Look, Im sure this was a tough decision to make,
但事已至此再拖拉也是没有意义的 but there's no sense in postponing the inevitable.
我就跟你们说吧 You know what?
不是所有的婚姻都要一辈子的 Not every marriage is meant to last forever.
而且从某个角度来说 And at a certain point,
你们这样就是在浪费青春嘛 you're just throwing good years out the bag.
我们要出去吃晚饭 We're going out to dinner.
嘿 那 Hey! That s
那是我最喜欢的一餐了 one of my favorite meals.
我们明天要一起出去 We're going to go out,
度过一个浪漫美好的夜晚 we're going to have a nice, romantic evening tomorrow.
就我们俩 Just the two of us just because.
我们会过的很开心的 And we re going to have a lovely time.
没错 That's right.
我老婆人这么好 值得这样一个美好的夜晚 My wife deserves a night out just for being her.
我们要 我们要吃一顿大餐 We're going to have a- we're going to have a great meal,
一定会很棒的 and it's going to be terrific!
天啊 Jesus.
-别紧张 -什么 Take it easy. What?
我可高兴死了 今晚肯定很棒 I'm fucking happy. It's going to be a great night.
我在想若干年后 我们会不会发现这只是 You know, I wonder if years from now, we'll find out
一次长期慢性的心脏病发作 this was all just one big, long heart attack.
泰迪 我能单独跟你谈谈吗 Teddy, can I speak to you in private?
好 太完美了 OK, this is perfect.
爸爸妈妈要出门 Mom and Dad are going to be out of the house
布莱尔要上学 and Blaire's got school.
再也没有比这更好的时机了 There will never be a better time.
什么好时机 For what?
去租个真正的黄片 To rent a real porno.
那我们该怎么租呢 Well, how are we supposed to do it?
商店里那个笨瓜说我们得满18岁 That butt nut in the store says we got to be 18.
还有另外一个人6点 There's a different guy that comes in at 6: 00
来接夜班 好吧 for the night shift, all right?
我们弄个假身份证 We get fake IDs
六点后进去 就能租到黄片了 we go in after 6: 00, we can rent that porno.
我说不好 约翰尼 这比较冒险 I don't know, Johnny. It's a risk.
-如果我们被抓了 -泰迪 I mean, if we get caught- - Teddy.
能在电视屏幕上看别人做爱 Watching other people have sex on a TV screen,
这是一个人能做的最酷的事情 that's just about the coolest thing a person can do.
冒险也值了 It's worth the risk.
明天这个时候 我们的梦想就会实现了 By this time tomorrow, that dream could be ours.
好了 我们睡一会儿吧 AlI right. Let's get some sleep.
-我们天一亮就开始打飞机 -好 We jerk at first light. Right.
好 两个假身份证 OK. Two fake IDs.
总共50美元 That llbe 50 bucks.
我们家里也有一台录像机 We got that same VCR at home.
我才不管呢 I don't give a shit.
给 Right there.
我八个星期的零用钱 My whole allowance for eight weeks.
好了 开始吧 享受你们成年后的新生活吧 AlI right, here we go. Enjoy your new lives as adults.
天啊 这家伙有多大了 Jesus Christ, how old is this guy?
看起来他有40岁了 Looks like he's 40
你会没事的 好吗 Hey, you'll be fine, all right?
虽然泰迪那个花了点功夫 Although Ted's took a little bit of work.
-我不能用这个 -为什么不行 I- I can't use this. Why not?
这看起来像鲍伯·鲁斯 It looks like Bob Ross.
这就是 这就是鲍伯·鲁斯 t is. Ilt is Bob this is Bob Ross.
这就是 这就是鲍伯·鲁斯 It is. It is Bob this is Bob Ross.
差不多就是你 哥们儿 Well, you're a tough fit, pal.
要么用他 要么用一双UGG靴子 It was either him or a pair of UGG boots.
你现在尽管笑吧 但很快 Oh, yeah, laugh it up now, but pretty soon,
我就会在我朋友身边高潮了 I'll be having an orgasm next to my friend.
等等 等等 还不行 还不行 Wait, wait, not yet! Not yet!
那个混蛋还在那 That other bastard's still there.
假装我们只是来租电影的 Act like we're just here to rent a movie.
嗯 很好 Ah, yes.
这看起来是部不错的非色情片 This looks like a good, non- sexual film.
对 我听过很多关于这部电影的 Oh, yes, I have heard many great,
很棒的 与性无关的好评 non- sexual things about this movie.
彼得·特拉弗斯称之为 一场无性场景的大笑暴乱 Peter Travers calls it "a sex- free laugh riot. "
《时代》杂志 就和老妈拉肚子一样性感 "Time"magazine says, "about as erotic as mom's diarrhea. "
啥玩意儿 The fuck?
-啥 -那是啥玩意儿 What? - The fuck was that?
你是什么意思 我只是在扩展你说的话 What do you mean? I'm just expanding on your thing.
我不是说的那种 That's not what I was doing.
即兴表演的关键就是“是的 然后” 好吗 Improv's all about"Yes, and..."OK?
你不能在戏演到一半的时候 You can't just shut me down like that
就这样让我闭嘴 in the middle of a scene.
别先说”老妈拉肚子”这种话 Don't do"mom's diarrhea"
然后告诉我该怎么即兴表演 and then tell me how I'm fucking supposed to do improv.
真的服了 Jesus Christ.
-嗨 -嗨 Hey Hey.
好吧 AII right.
-我要走了 -回见 I'm out of here. Later.
祝你过得愉快 Have a good one.
好了 走吧 AlI right, let s move.
抱歉 未成年不许进 Excuse me. Uh- uh. Adults only.
啊 对 当然 Ah, yes. Of course.
-我们多健忘啊 -噢 别担心 How forgetful of us. - Oh, don't worry.
这 这种事经常发生 This, uh, this happens all the time.
我理解你为什么会犯这种错 I understand your mistake.
天啊 Oh, my God
怎么啦 What?
你是鲍伯·鲁斯 You're Bob Rossl
对 Uh, yes.
我就是 Yes, I am.
鲁斯先生 我是你的超级粉丝 Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours.
好吧 谢谢 Oh, uh, well, thanks.
我超爱你的整个艺术哲学 贬耵醚 I love your whole artistic philosophy.
你给每棵树和每一片云都分配了动作 The way you assign a motion to every tree and cloud.
嗯 是挺好 Yeah, well, great.
听着 我们要去成人区给自己 Um, listen, we're going to head to the adult section
找个快乐的小灌木丛 and find ourselves a happy, little bush.
一会儿见 See you in a bit.
看起来你们打算看很久啊 Looks like you're having quite a marathon.
嗯 是的 是为了筹款 Uh, yes. It's for a fundraiser.
为什么 Oh, for what?
打飞机 Jerking
为治疗肌肉萎缩症筹款 for Muscular Dystrophy.
啊 嗯 机肌筹款 很合理 Oh, yeah. JMD, of course.
嘿 你这儿租几盘磁带有限制吗 Hey, is there a limit on how many tapes you can rent?
你不用遵守这个规定 鲁斯先生 Not for you, Mr. Ross.
好了 这些录像带周四要还回来 AlI right, these tapes are due back Thursday.
丢失或损坏的磁带要付80美元 There's an $80 fee for any missing or damaged tapes.
好贵 That s a lot of money.
好多片 That's a lot of porn
你知道吗 别人也要看这个的 You know, other people want to masturbate, too!
今晚不行 伙计 on all Not tonight, pal.
看看这个地方 Look at this place.
这可真是个神奇的夜晚 Isn't this a magical night?
我的袜子破了一个大洞 My sock's got a big hole in it.
如果我把袜子扯下来 你能把它塞进包里吗 If I tear it off, will you shove it in your purse?
看 马蒂 Oh, look, Matty!
他们有专人给人拧胡椒哎 They have a whole man just for the pepper!
我们去点个需要胡椒的菜吧 Oh, let's get something that needs pepper.
我像他这么大的时候 When I was his age,
正在一个小屋一个小屋地解放越南芽庄 I was liberating Nha Trang hut- by- hut.
但是 是的 当然 给人拧胡椒也不错 But yeah, sure. Pepper boy's good, too.
天哪 一切都好高端了 Gosh, everything's just so fancy- schmancy.
我感觉像颁奥斯卡金像奖现场 I feel like Academy Awards.
大家好 今晚过得怎么样 Hi there. How are we doing tonight, folks?
我的袜子让我难受 My sock's bugging me.
真是很抱歉 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
您要点菜吗 Can I take your order?
马蒂 他太贴心了 Matty, he's so sweet.
你叫什么名字 What's your name?
凯文 女士 Kevin, ma'am.
凯文 你回家 打电话给你妈妈 Kevin, you go home, you call your mother,
告诉她弗雷明汉的苏珊·本内特说 and you tell her Susan Bennett from Framingham
你干得很棒 said you did an excellent job.
我母亲患有老年痴呆症晚期 My mother has advanced Alzheimer's.
她根本不知道我是谁 She has no idea who I am.
我要螃蟹 I'll have the crab.
我问你个问题 小凯 Let me ask you a question there, Kev- o.
为什么纽约客牛排要24美元 Why is the New York strip 24 bucks
在里科超市却才8美元 but at Rico's Market, it's like 8?
超市的价格和餐厅的 Well, supermarket prices and restaurant prices
-价格不一样 -对对对 are different- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
加价挺高的 煎一下就加价16块 It's a pretty sweet markup, 16 bucks for heat.
你觉得公平吗 凯文 That seem fair to you, Kev- o?
您可以花9美元 You could order the junior steak
点儿童菜单上的小牛排 off the kids menu for $9.
这倒是有点合理了 好 Now we're getting somewhere. OK.
看到了吗 苏珊 他先眨了眨眼 See that, Susan? He blinked first.
随附儿童活动书 Comes with your choice
或弯弯吸管 您要什么 of an activity booklet or a silly straw.
都要 小凯 Both, Kev- o.
堆得高高的 Pile it high and good!
好的 先生 Yes, sir.
-给 -谢谢 Here you go. - Thank you.
稍等 帮我个忙 Hang on. Do me a favor.
帮我把这个扔了 好吗 Throw this out for me, would you?
在游轮上当服务员不是更有趣吗 Wouldn't it be fun to be a waiter on a cruise ship?
因为下班即到家 Because when you're done, you're already home.
我要讲给他听 I'm going to tell him that.
好了 开始吧 AlI right, here we go.
♪黄片时间 黄片时间♪ ♪Porno time, porno time♪
♪黄片 黄片 黄片时间♪ ♪Porno, porno, porno time!♪
黄片时间 Porno timel
-好 放一部进去 -好 AII right, let's put one in All right.
等等 等等 等一下 Wait, wait. Hang on a second.
在我们开始之前 我们得树立一些基本规则 Before we start, we got to have some ground rules.
你是什么意思 What do you mean?
嗯 比如 你坐在哪儿 Well, like, where are you sitting?
在沙发上 On the couch.
哦 不不不不 Oh, no, no, no, no.
我不想让你进入我的视线 I don't want you in my eyeline.
好吧 我们可以建个隔板之类的东西 OK, we could, like, build a divider or something,
比如枕头堡垒 like a pillow fort.
嗯 我说不好 也许我们应该单独看 Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we should watch alone.
就像轮班一样 Like in shifts.
嗯 我不想一个人看黄片 Yeah, I don't want to watch porn alone.
感觉特别悲惨 That feels tragic.
好吧 那我们一起看 AlI right, then we'll watch it together.
一起看感觉很诡异 Yeah, well that feels creepy.
约翰 我们是要看黄片 John, we're watching porn.
要么很诡异 要么很悲惨 It's either going to be creepy or tragic.
就这两种选择 Those are the choices.
好吧 那就诡异吧 AlI right, let's go with creepy.
我们从哪一个开始 Which one are we starting with?
今天的餐品怎么样 How is everything?
哦 太棒了 Oh, it's just wonderful.
不太好 凯文 Not good, Kev- o.
这里面找不到苹果这个词 The word "apple"ain't in here anywhere.
斜着也算的 先生 They allow diagonal, sir.
他们应该把这个写在规则上啊 Well, they should put that in the goddamn directions!
我会去告诉厨师 I'll tell the chef.
好的 Yeah.
马蒂 你得尝尝这螃蟹 Matty, you have to try this crab.
不了 我不用 No, I'm fine
哦 就一口 非常好吃 Oh, just one bite. It's so delicious.
不用了 我自己也点了东西 I'mfine. I got my own food.
-小小尝一口嘛 -我什么都不要 Just a baby bite. I don't want any.
-尝尝嘛 就一小口 -老天爷啊 苏珊 Just try. Just one bite. Jesus Christ, Susan.
为什么你点的东西 Why is it always so important
一定要给我吃一吃 that I have some of what you ordered?
我想让你尝尝这个 I want you to have some of this
因为我觉得你会喜欢的 because I think you'll like it.
我要是想吃螃蟹 Well if I wanted the goddamn crab,
我不会自己点吗 I would have ordered the goddamn crab!
但在回家的车上 But in the car on the way home,
我就可以说 是不是很好吃 你就知道到底好不好吃了 I can say, wasn'titgood? And you'll know.
看在上帝的份上 行吧 For fuck's sake! All right!
-你会知道的 -行吧 You'll know AJI right!
该死 Oh, goddamn it.
该死 Goddamn it!
这比我点的好吃啊 That's better than what I ordered!
你看 我知道你会喜欢的 You see? I knew you'd like it.
该死 Shit!
我等不及一会儿和你聊这个了 I can't wait to talk about it later.
真希望我们现在就在车里 I wish we were in the car right now.
给 Here.
我有东西要给你 I got something for you.
哦 马蒂 是什么 Oh, Matty, what is it?
打开吧 小心点 Just open it Be careful.
一个钉子吗 A nail?
你吃完之前 Just before you're finished,
把这个藏到盘子里 put that in what's left of your food
假装是你找到的 and then"find"it.
这样就能给我们免单了 Whole night will be comped.
嘿 小凯 Hey, Kev- o!
嗨 我是布拉德 Hi, I'm Brad.
凯文辞职了 Kevin quit.
哦 这个怎么样 Oh, how about this one?
跨种族屁屁集会 "Interracial Butt Fest. "
真是多亏了您啊 马丁·路德·金 Oh, thank you, Dr. King.
菊花奥林匹克赛8 "Anal Screwlympics VIII"
前七部没看过 直接看这个看不明白的 I didn't see the first seven. I'm not going to understand it.
天哪 这家伙用自己的三条腿赛跑 Man, this guy's running his own three- legged race.
我们从这部开始吧 Oh, let's start with this one.
你确定这有用吗 You sure that's going to work?
我也不知道 Yeah, I don't know.
但我现在满脑子都是 But all I'm thinking about right
我死去的亲人 now is my dead relatives.
为什么 Why?
怀特神父说 Well, Father White once said
如果你自慰 that if you ever masturbate,
那么你所有死去的亲人都会在天堂看着你 then all your dead relatives are up in heaven watching you.
那怎么能是天堂呢 How is that heaven?
天 你说的还真有道理 Boy, you know, that is a great point.
那上面难道会是这样 I mean, are they up there like,
你想去亚伯拉罕·林肯家吗 "Hey, you want to go to Abe Lincoln's house? "
我很想去 "Yeah, I'd like to,
但我侄子正打算打飞机 "but my nephew is gonna jerk off,
我得过去看 so I got to go watch that. "
那就没事了 OK, so we're fine.
好耶 AlI right.
他是个医生 Oh, he's a doctor.
看上去是在医院上班的第一天 Looks like it's his first day at a new hospital.
这天通常是 And that s usually the day
会和别人上床的 对吧 you have sex with everyone, right?
当然了 约翰尼 Oh, it sure is, Johnny.
诶呦 Whoops.
她的衣服全掉下来了 Oh, looks like all her clothes fell off.
开始咯 Oh, here we go.
这温度计好奇怪 That's a weird thermometer.
真有意思 Hey, that's funny.
我以为人们只会把温度计 I thought they only took your temperature like that
在孩子身上这样用 when you were a baby.
那不是在 Yeah, that's- that's not a-
他就只是不停的插进去 拔出来 He's, like, pulling it in and out.
这样是测不准温度的 It's never going to get an accurate reading like that.
看来她的前列腺没问题 Oh. Well, I guess her prostate's fine.
-怎么了 -不知道 What happened? I don't know.
卡带了吗 Tape froze.
卡住了 磁带卡出了 It's stuck. The tape's stuck!
该死 Oh, shit!
出不来了 我们该怎么办 It's not coming out. What are we going to do?
好了 别慌 别慌 AlI right. Don't panic, don't panic.
别慌 Don't panic?
我该怎么办啊 What the fuck am I supposed to do?
我需要时间想想 I just need a second to think.
这录像机里卡着个黄片啊 No, there is a porno stuck in the fucking VCR!
-你让我想想 -我要怎么办啊 Just let me fucking think! - What am I supposed to do?
你他妈让我想想 Just let me fucking think!
你他妈让我想想 Let me fucking think!
我们得把这机器拆开 OK, we're going to have to take the machine apart.
好吧 AlI right.
我打不开 这里面根本没螺丝 I can't even open it. There's no screws.
只有一些铆钉 It's just rivets.
我想到了 我想到了 OK, I got it, I got it.
我们换一台录像机 We got to swap out VCRs.
扔掉这台 换一台新的 Get rid of this one, replace it with a new one.
我们怎么在一晚上找到一台新录像机啊 How are we going to find a new VCR tonight?
就算商店还开门 我们也没钱啊 Even if shit was still open, we got no money.
再说了 这是台老机子 And anyways, this is an older model.
说不定市面上都找不到这型号了 You probably can't even fucking find it anymore.
可以的 Yes, you can.
学校的多媒体教室 那里有一个 The AV room at school! They got one there.
我们今晚过去拿 We can go get it tonight.
放学后去学校 Going into school after hours?
这不会很可疑吗 Won't that look suspicious?
今晚有比赛 There's a game tonight.
校门还开着 The school's open.
我们穿球服进去 We dress like basketball players
要是有人看到 and if anyone sees us,
他们也会觉得我们是去比赛的 they'll think we're there for the game.
要是搞砸了 所有人都会知道我们就是俩变态 If we blow this, everybody's going to know we're perverts.
天哪 Jesus.
忙活了大半天 我们都没享受一把高潮 AlI this work, and we didn't even get to have an orgasm.
是啊 是啊 Yeah, yeah. Right.
哥们 太悲催了 我们俩 Yeah, man, that fucking sucks, both of us...
都没有 didn't.
我真是不明白 I just don't understand it.
我们这儿压根都没在装修 I mean, we're not under construction.
还好她看到了 Well, you know, the good news is she saw it.
不然的话 Otherwise.
她或许会死的 She could have died.
对吧 苏珊 Right, Susan?
你要是把那钉子吃了 或许会死的 You could have died if you ate a nail.
我想我或许会死的 要是吃了那颗钉子 I guess I could have died if I ate a nail.
我真的很抱歉 本内特夫人 I am so deeply sorry, Mrs. Bennett.
当然了 你们今晚的一切消费全免 Of course, your entire evening is comped.
还有什么能为您做的吗 And if there's anything else we can do for you,
请告诉我们 please tell us.
你们窗户上那个 Yeah, you see that old- timey
旧时代的潜水头盔 diver's helmet you got there in the window?
我要你在里面装满虾 I want you to fill it with shrimp.
那螃蟹是不是美味极了 Wasn't the crab good?
好了 就要搞定了 OK, almost got it.
拿到了 Ah. There we go.
你留在这儿 我去看看外面有没有人 OK, you stay here, I'm going to make sure the coast is clear.
冰敷一下 汉普顿 Ice it up, Hampton.
你会没事的 You'll be fine.
我不确定 教练 I don't know, Coach.
-我感觉都听到骨头断掉了 -敷点冰块 Ithink I heard it break. A little ice.
很快就好了 Best thing for it
嘿 本内特 Hey, Bennett!
啥 Uh, yeah?
球员不够了 赶快给我上场 We're a man down. Get in there!
不用退赛 这儿有一个球员 No forfeit! We got a player!
其实 教练 我不是 Actually, Coach, you know I'm not
快啊 本内特 还有场比赛要赢呢 Now, Bennett! We got a game to win!
这能有多难 Ain't so fucking hard.
咱们赶快走 Let's get the hell out of here.
天哪 今晚真带劲儿 Jesus. What a night, huh?
马蒂 Matty.
你刚刚是在造孽 What you did there was a sin.
你欺骗了他们 You lied to them.
是他们先骗我们的 Ah, they lied to us first.
一盘牛排怎么能值24块呢 Goddamn steak doesn't cost 24 bucks.
我们现在扯平了 We're even.
最棒的是 我都没用到这个 And the best part is I didn't even have to use this.
这是什么 What is that?
查克牛排馆免费用餐的优惠券 A coupon for one free meal at Chuck's Steak House.
全部算上 我们用一顿饭钱享受了三次免费晚餐 So all in, we get three free dinners for the price of one.
你是因为这个才要出去吃饭的吗 Is that why you wanted to go out to dinner?
因为你有优惠券 Because you had a coupon?
我携着一位漂亮的女士 还一分钱都没花 I had a beautiful woman on my arm and I spent no money.
今晚多完美啊 A perfect evening.
还有儿童活动书 And the activity bookl
约翰尼 Hey, Johnny!
你老爹今晚解开了一个迷宫 Your old man solved a maze tonight!
今天周五 It's Friday night.
他说不定参加篮球比赛去了 He's probably at the basketball game.
上楼吗 You're going up?
不了 Uh, no.
我就在这儿待会儿看看电视吧 I think I'll stay up for a while and watch TV.
随便你 Suit yourself.
么么 Mwah!
我要上床打几个滚 试着打出嗝来 I'm going to roll around in bed and try to burp.
-哦 就是这样 -太爽了 Oh, yeah! - Yes!
我的天哪 Oh, my Godl
嘿 Hey.
一边儿去 Knock it off.
我刚意识到 我们其实可以 You know, I just realized we probably
穿自己的衣服假装是去看比赛 could have just dressed like ourselves going to the game.
嘘 灯关了 Hey, shh! The lights are out.
爸妈一定都睡了 Mom and Dad must be asleep.
好了 我去换掉 你确保没人过来 AlI right, I'll swap it out. You make sure no one's coming.
好 Right.
好了 完成了 AlI right, it's done.
还没呢 我们还得把磁带拿出来 Not quite. We still got to get that tape out.
搞什么 The fuck?
-该死 -不见了 Oh, shit. - It's gone!
我们 我们先冷静 OK, let's- let's just calm down here.
还怎么冷静 磁带没了 What do you mean calm down? The tape's gone!
不可能凭空消失的 肯定在什么地方 It can't just be gone. It's got to be somewhere.
该死 Oh, shit.
-该死 -怎么了 怎么了 Ah shit. What, what, what?
有人发现了 Somebody found it.
有人发现 然后拿走了 Somebody found it and they took it.
完蛋 Oh, shit.
明天所有人出门后 我们把房子搜个遍 OK, tomorrow, when everyone's out, we search the house.
要是找不到呢 What if we don't find it?
那我们就只能 Then we'll have to
从另一家店租一个同样的磁带 rent the same movie from another store
然后还给第一家店 and return it to the first store
每隔三天都重复操作 and we'll have to do that every three days
直到永远 until the end of time.
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
这就是个黄氏骗局嘛 Yeah. Like a Pornzi scheme.
我们惹了大麻烦 但还是可以嘴上耍耍宝 Yeah, we're in trouble, but we can still have fun with words.
保佑我吧 神父 我有罪 Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
你好 苏珊 Hello, Susan.
天哪 Oh, dear.
真希望你这次能把窗户关上 I wish you'd close it this time.
在上帝的眼中 我们都是恶贯满盈 We're all sinners in God's eyes.
那个 Well
神父 我看了一个色情片 I saw a porno, Father.
你怎么会看到的 苏珊 And how did you come to see this, Susan?
是马蒂落在录像机里的 Matty left it in the VCR
那晚早些时候 我们出门吃晚餐 Earlier that night, we went out to dinner.
我本以为他要 And I thought he was
带我去吃一顿浪漫晚餐 taking me out for a romantic evening
只有我们两个人 我就好好打扮了一番 just the two of us, so I got all dressed up.
可他压根没注意到 And he didn't even notice.
然后我才发现他有一个优惠券 And then I found out that he had a coupon.
所以他才要出去吃饭的 And that's why he wanted to go out.
神父 或许 And Father, maybe.
我不再是他想要的了 I'm not what he wants anymore.
苏珊 我想事情一定没那么严重 Susan, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that.
丈夫和妻子的感受本就不相同 Husbands and wives have different sensibilities.
上帝如此造人 There's a reason the Lord made it
就是为了让男人可以手淫 女人却不行 so that a man can masturbate and a woman cannot.
那倒是真的 W- well, that's true.
至于你所看到的 And as for what you saw,
上帝明白不是你主动去看的 God understands that you didn't seek it out.
只要影片里面的男女 And as long as the man and the woman in the film
结了婚 并且没有采取防范措施 are married and not using birth control,
你就没什么可担心的 I don't think you have anything to worry about.
不仅仅是一男一女 It wasn't just a man and a woman.
另外还有一个女人 There- there was another woman, too.
这样啊 I see.
但她并没有真的参与进去 Although she wasn't really participating.
她只是掐住了另一个女孩儿 She was just sort of choking the other girl.
马蒂是你的丈夫 Well, Matty is your husband.
如果你们之间的一人厌倦了婚姻 And if one of you is bored in the marriage,
另外一人不妨考虑一下如何处理 then the other may wish to consider
想想怎么将夫妻生活变得更火花四射 how to address that and ways to make things more exciting.
要记得 只要你没那么享受其中 就没有错 Remember, nothing is wrong if you don't enjoy it too much.
我当然可以试试 Well, I could certainly try.
很好 很好 Good, good.
掐人那事儿 那姑娘有不高兴吗 So the choking, was she upset by it?
-还是 -我还是回家吧 Or- - I should probably get home.
好的 下次再讲 AlI right. To be continued.
不 No.
约翰尼 Johnny!
约翰尼 我找到了 Johnny, I found it.
谢天谢地 Oh, fuck. Thank God.
我知道 我给我们省下八十块钱呢 I know. I just saved us bucks.
等等 你在哪儿找到的 Wait, where was it?
是在 Well, it was, uh
在苏珊的内衣抽屉里 it was in Susan's underwear drawer.
什么 What?
是啊 就在那个菠萝图案的内衣下面 Yeah, it was behind the ones with the pineapples on it.
别 别说了 我不想听你描述我妈的内衣 No, no, no! I don't want to hear about my mom's underpants.
可是她拉肚子你就能毫不犹豫的说出口 Oh, but her diarrhea you bring up at the drop of a hat.
泰迪 你知道这意味着什么吗 Teddy, do you know what this means?
是老妈找到了《生殖器医院》 Mom found "Genital Hospital. "
她知道我看黄片了 She knows I watch porn!
天哪 我还没这样想过 Oh, boy. It looks that way.
我再也没脸直视她了 I can never face her again.
我们得跑的远远的 再也别回来 We have to run away, never to return.
看来也没其他选择了 I see no other option.
我会想念这里的 I'm going to miss this house.
再见了 潮湿发霉的天花板 Goodbye, water- stained ceilings.
再见了 总是关不上的餐具抽屉 Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way.
再见了 被油漆封住的窗子 Goodbye, windows painted shut.
再见了 要用上全身才能关上的门 Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close.
再见了 剥落一层就能看到下面一层的墙纸 Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper.
再见了 从来没干过的地毯 Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry.
再见了 不让扩容的浴室 Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.
再见了 每次碰到都会被电到的灯 Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it.
再见了 往前数三任教皇的照片 Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago.
再见了 装满了塑料袋的塑料袋 Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags.
再见了 角落里发了霉的药箱 Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner.
天啊 咱们赶紧走人吧 Jesus, let's get the fuck out of here.
是啊 哪来那么多废话 Yeah, no shit.
要是你能帮我们处理问题 We sure would like it
我们会很开心的 if you'd help us with our problem.
警长 你唯一的问题 Only problem you've got, Sheriff,
就是没种 is a short supply of guts.
你们才不需要我 You people don't need me.
听着 在那栋楼的楼顶上 Look, place at least a couple good riflemen
安排几个优秀的狙击手 on top of that building up there.
那些绿袋子后面 Maybe a couple more with shotguns down
也能安排几个拿猎枪的 behind green bags over there.
你看什么呢 What you watching?
《荒野浪子》 "High Plains Drifter. "
这周看克林特·伊斯特伍德的电影 It's Clint Eastwood week.
是讲什么的 What's it about?
他是个牛仔 Oh, he's a cowboy.
不过到最后 你会发现他是个鬼魂 But at the end, you realize he's a ghost.
但他还是能开枪 But he can still shoot a gun,
所以 他并不是个真正的鬼魂 so, you know, not like- he's not like a real ghost.
马蒂 亲爱的 Matty, honey,
我们能谈谈 can we talk about that movie
昨天你看的那部电影吗 that you were watching yesterday?
我不记得是什么了 I can't remember what it was.
这些电影都差不多 They're all kind of the same movie.
你看着开心吗 Are you entertained by them?
我是个男的啊 所有男人都喜欢 I'm a guy. I mean, all guys like'em.
那是你想要的吗 Is that what you want?
就是电影里的东西 What you see in those movies?
才不是 我只是看看 God no. I just - I just watch'em.
有哪个是你最喜欢的吗 Well is there one you like best?
我喜欢《永不低头》（走遍每一个通道 但弄松它们） I like"Every Which Way But Loose. "
那个可狂野了 Yeah, that one's crazy.
里面有只猴子对所有人竖中指（指交） There's a monkey that gives everybody the finger.
我可爱看那个了 Yeah, I'd love to see that.
气氛好浓烈啊 It is getting hot in here.
热的不得了了 Powerful hot.
不能开空调 We can't run the air conditioner.
里面有只死鸟 Found a dead bird in it.
维修工说我们得等它的内脏完全干透了 Repair guy says we got to wait till its guts dry out
才能重新打开 before we run the unit again.
这我可不懂 Well I wouldn't know about that.
我只是个小姑娘 I'mjust a girl.
你干嘛呢 What are you doing?
我想要大香蕉 I wanted a banana.
那就吃啊 Well, then eat it.
你盯着我干嘛 Why the hell are you staring at me?
因为 Because.
我很坏坏呢 I've been bad.
什么叫你很坏 What do you mean you've been bad?
我的天啊 苏珊 oh, Jesus Christ, Susan.
这是最后一根香蕉吗 Is that the last one?
老天爷 God damn it!
那我还有什么零食可吃啊 Now what am I supposed to have for my snack?
好极了 苏珊 Oh! Oh great, Susan!
品客薯片里就剩一片 A Pringles can with one left!
真是好极了 That'llbe satisfying!
这该死的灯又电到我了 Fucking lamp shocked me again!
谁 Yeah?
苏珊阿姨 怎么了 Aunt Suze, what's up?
布莱尔 我能跟你聊聊吗 Blaire, can I talk to you for a minute?
好啊 进来吧 Sure. Yeah, come on in.
发生什么了 What, uh, what's the matter?
那个 Well
昨晚我和马蒂出去吃饭 last night, Matty and I went out to dinner.
我把自己收拾的漂漂亮亮 I got all dressed up.
还用了杂志上的倩碧香水样品 I rubbed on a Clinique sampler from Redbook.
我觉得他根本没注意到 I don't even think he noticed.
然后等我们回到家 我打开电视 And then when we got home, I turned on the TV.
我发现了 And I found
什么 What?
黄片 A porn.
我觉得马蒂一直在看黄片 I think Matty's been watching porns.
这样啊 Right.
你觉得他会是 Do you think maybe he
不再被我吸引了吗 doesn't think I'm exciting anymore?
是我令人失望了吗 Am I a disappointment?
不 当然不是了 苏珊阿姨 No, absolutely not, Aunt Suze.
听我说 Listen to me.
你大概是我认识的最棒的人了 You are probably the most wonderful person that I know.
但如果那才是他想要的 我该怎么办 But if that's what he wants, what can I do?
我可不想掐住另一个女人 I don't want to have to choke other women.
我觉得你不用这样 Yeah, I don't think you need to.
我如果这是马蒂想要的 我会做的 But I'll do it if that's what Matty wants.
不 咱们还是别用这个法子 No, let's not go down that route.
我会向她们一样做 I'll do what those women did.
我真的觉得没那个必要 I really don't think that's necessary.
我甚至愿意像电影里大香肠医生那样做 I- I- I'|| even do what Dr. Sausage did in that movie.
-我会的 -好了 I'll do it. OK一
-我会做的 -别说了 I'll do it. Stop.
听着 Look.
要把这个说出口真是很艰难 但是 This is difficult for me to say, but, um,
你看到的磁带 the tape you found.
是我的 it's mine.
什么 What?
真抱歉 I'm sorry.
我太粗心了 I apologize for being so careless.
真不该把它留在录像机里的 I never should have left it in the VCR
太蠢了 It was stupid.
所以那不是马蒂的 So it's not Matty's?
不 不是的 No, it's not.
哦 我的天哪 Oh! Oh, my God!
-我真是松了一口气 -那就好 Oh, I'm so relieved! Good.
我还以为马蒂厌倦了我 I thought Matty was bored with me.
布莱尔 Oh, Blaire.
我 I- - ew.
你怎么会有一部黄片 Why did you have a porn?
还是说色情片吧 I would say a porn- o.
听起来舒服点 Just hits the ear better.
你干嘛要看色情片 Why were you watching porn- o?
这样的话 还是说黄片好些 Well, OK, in that context, you'd say porn.
如果前面是加了量词的语境 See, if there's an article in front of it like an"a"
那就说一部色情片 or a"the, "it's a porno.
如果没有 就是黄片 But if not, it's just porn.
我还是别说了 I'm just not going to say it anymore.
好吧 听着 你问我的问题 OK. Look, to answer your question, it
那是女生联谊会要用的 it was a sorority thing.
我们租了一部小黄片 We rented a dirty movie.
你也知道姐妹会什么样子 It was you know how sororities are.
那就是个恶作剧 It's like a prank.
原来是个恶作剧 Oh! Oh, it was a prank.
-是的 -哦 Yeah. Oh!
那么我和马蒂没事儿了 So Matty and I are just fine!
我想说这一点不是问题 I would say this one thing isn't a problem.
不过 But it's
我觉得应该是还需努力 well, I'd call it a work in progress.
我想告诉你 苏珊阿姨 And for the record, Aunt Suze,
我觉得永远没人会厌倦你的 I don't think anybody ever could be bored with you.
马蒂只是不擅长沟通 Matty is not great at communication.
但他除非是瞎子或是疯了 But unless he's completely blind or insane,
他一定爱你爱到骨子里 I bet he still loves you a whole lot.
来抱抱 Come here. Mm.
我希望有一天 你也能找到你的马蒂 I hope one day, you'll find your Matty.
这个吧 Oh, that's- -
我会过的很好的 I'm going to be just fine.
我们来祈祷 Let's pray.
我们要去哪儿呢 泰迪 Where are we going to go, Teddy?
我在考虑沙特阿拉伯 I was thinking Saudi Arabia.
听说在那儿大家都不羞耻于自慰 I hear nobody's ashamed to masturbate there.
你觉得家里人都在干什么 What do you think they're doing back at the house?
或许和我们做着一样的事吧 不过是用桌子 Probably the same thing we're doing but with a table
天哪 God.
我们就看了一丢丢黄片 就毁掉了我们的人生 We watched six seconds of porn and it ruined our lives.
放轻松了 废柴们 Relax, losers.
你们的人生没有被毁掉 Your lives aren't ruined.
目前为止 Yet.
布莱尔 Blaire.
你在我眼里简直在发光 真的 Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes, you are.
我的天哪 看你出落得多标志 Good Lord, look how you've grown.
你怎么找到我们的 How'd you find us?
那段口琴声实在余音绕梁 Uh, harmonica music really carries.
听着 你们不用担心色情片的事了 Listen, uh, you don t have to worry about the porno,
好吗 all right?
我帮你们背了黑锅 I took the heat for you.
什么 What?
我告诉苏珊阿姨那盘磁带是我的 I told Aunt Suze that the tape was mine.
你们可以回家了 You can come home now.
布莱尔 你竟为了我们这样做 Blaire, you- - you did that for us?
也不是 我是为了苏珊 Uh, no. I really did it for Susan.
她以为是马蒂的 已经够难过了 She was upset enough because she thought it was Matty's.
要是被她发现是你们的 或许要哭上一整年了 If she found out it was yours, she'd probably cry for a year.
我的老天爷啊 布莱尔 太感谢你了 Jesus Christ, Blaire. Thank you so much.
行吧 Yeah.
我们欠你个大人情 We really owe you big time.
你知道就好 Oh, yeah, you do.
把你的火扑灭 咱们这就离开 Now, put out your dumb fire and let's get out of here.
我喜欢这主意 你知道吗 I love that plan. Because you know what?
我们要把色情片还回去 We got a porno to return.
我还要告诉你 And I'll tell you one thing.
我再也不看黄片了 I would never watch porn again.
就算它随处可见 随时都在 Even if it was everywhere, all the time.
就算我口袋里就装着一个奇怪的小装置 Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket
能够随时给我爽一发 that would give it to me whenever I wanted
让我随时随地打飞机 so I could jerk off at a moment's notice.
我也不 再也不会了 No. Never again.
约翰遵守了诺言 narrator: John kept his promise.
守了两年 For the next two years.
然后 当他发现了互联网的存在 Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet,
他就急吼吼的捞出他的小弟 he pulled on his penis so hard,
差点就扯掉了 it damn near came off.
这并没有阻止他 That didn't deter him
又多来了四次 from masturbating four more times
直到他被送进了当地的急救中心 before going to a local urgent care,
他排在几十个男人后面 where he waited eight hours
整整等了八个小时 in line behind dozens of other men
他们和他一样 刚刚发现了互联网的存在 who had also nearly pulled their penises off
就急吼吼的差点扯掉自己的小弟 after discovering the internet.
到现在的今天 任何和你说话的人 And now, today, anyone you talk to
都在20分钟前刚刚来了一发 has jerked off within the last 20 minutes.
我是伊恩·麦克莱恩 This is Ian McKellen,
提醒你一句 千万别和别人握手 reminding you: don't shake anyone's hand.
晚安 Good night
♪你满脑子都是那个讨人厌的人♪ ♪Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful♪
♪唉呀 可是那人却如此钟意你♪ ♪And yet, alas, that someone adores you♪
♪每个人都需要一个好朋友♪ ♪Everybody needs a best friend ♪
♪很高兴我是你的♪ ♪I'm happy I'm yours♪
♪我只是个小丑♪ ♪I'm just a clown♪
♪我会将你击倒♪ ♪And I'll bring you down♪
♪但你不会在意 因为♪ ♪But you just don't care'cause your♪
♪我是你最好的朋友♪ ♪Best friend is me♪